Monday, December 31, 2007

The Second Annual Jim Belushi Unfunny Awards

Belushi For Least Funny Song: "I Got A Crush On Obama"

Working at I'mnottelling newspaper, I was forced to discuss the big events on the web. Better or worse this was one of them. My soul died when I included this video on the list of big things on the web for 07.

Belushi For Least Funny Viral Video:

If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Belushi For Least Funny Movie
: Good Luck Chuck

How does Jessica Alba star in the worst and best comedy of the year? No mystery there; she was not even funny in The Ten. This was comedy for the meatheads and hoes contingency. Need a reason to hate Franz Ferdinand and The Flaming Lips? Check out the trailer and the movie.

The Belushi For Least Funny Show
: Dice Undisputed

The man who killed stand-up is still unleashed. Attack!

The Belushi For Least Funny Stand-Up
: Dane Cook

I was all ready to stop bashing the SuFigurehead. But this maudlin power ballad proved that Dane Cook is more driven by self-validation and opportunism than by any passion with the craft of stand-up.

Belushi For Least Funny Sketch Comedy
: Frank TV

If only Frank Caliendo could imitate a comedian.

Belushi For Least Funny Website: eBaum's World

Yes they are still trying.

The Big Belushi For '07

Dane Cook

Let Andy Kindler explain:

The Funniest Things Of 2007

Funniest Song Of '07: "Doo Dah Doo Doo," Ron Austar on "Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job"

Once again hip hop is fertile soil for comedy turnips. Last year's winner was the "Kramer Rap Song" but this year an instructional hip hop PSA urging dancers to think about their dad was the hottest solid gold comedy hit for 2007. No need to analyze just watch.

Funniest Viral Video Of '07:
"The Landlord"

Amateurs need to step up their game: Will Ferrell was a tough act to follow this year, as was the foul-mouthed 9-year-old landlord. Looks like future viral videos will actually need good writing (this one was written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell).

Funniest Movie of '07: The Ten

The Apatow films were great, but neither Superbad nor Knocked Up were as consistently funny as this sketch film directed by David Wain. Never was there a more endearing rapist in recorded history than that played by Rob Corddry.

Funniest Show:
Human Giant

Nevermind the legendary 24 hour marathon with The National and Michael Showalter stopping by. No moment in '07 (film, TV, life) was funnier than Paul Scheer trying to fit in at the supermarket with his knowledge of hit commercial jingles.

Funniest Comedian:
Patton Oswalt

Ratatouille. Werewolves and Lollipops. His response to the AST poll. Even without these bullet points, Oswalt caught the whole Internet's attention with his rant on KFC. His Conan appearance in which he fires off this apoplectic philipic got 574 Diggs.

This is from the DVD included with Werewolves and Lollipops.

Funniest Sketch Group:
Whitest Kids U Know

A comedian friend of mine said he doesn't like most white sketch comedy and he prefers Chapelle's sketches or Chris Rock's sketches. He also said these guys are the exception. Lesson: white sketch comedy sucks unless it's the whitest sketch comedy you know of.

Funniest Website: Super Deluxe

"Layers" and "Tim And Eric Nite Live" make Super Deluxe the funniest website of the year.

Funniest Blog Post I've Written This Year
: Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Show Recap

So you missed the show. Here is what you missed.

Uber Luber
playing the most kickass gay metal this side of the LES.

RG Daniels doing some straight no bullshit stand-up.

Eric Andre doing some social commentary on Stephen King (rather illuminating).

Craig Sharf
with some classic one-liners

Bob Bell
doing his Dadaist comedy routine

Tom McCaffery
DESTROYING the room with his observations on his friends, who he claims are dicks.

Sarah Guttierez with her incredibly funny teenage poetry

Franz Fury The Art Bully
proclaims Paris Hilton artist of the century

Mike Dobbins talks about trout better than anyone in the Western hemisphere.

Oh if only we took pictures.

Come next time!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Come To Our Comedy Show On Sunday

Hosts Mo Diggs and Matt Nagin proudly present funny metal band Uber Luber, stand-up comics RG Daniels, Craig Sharf, Joe Fury, Eric Andre, Mike Dobbins, Bob Bell and Sean O'Connor. Performance poet Sarah Guttierez will also be there, as will headliner Tom McCaffery, from Comedy Central and also on the iconic Invite Them Up CD. Free open mike after the show.

Comedy Ain’t Noise Pollution

Mo Diggs and Matt Nagin

Time and Place/Date:

Sunday, December 16, 2007
8:00pm - 10:00pm

Parkside Lounge

317 E. Houston St.


New York, NY

Monday, December 10, 2007

1990: Worst Year In Pop Music History?

I know: cheese gets finer with age, blasé blah. But some of it is just downright rancid. Do you have any Pat Boone on your iPod? Didn’t think so.

1990 anno domini was a potentially fatal hybrid of the worst the ‘80s and ‘90s had to offer. Kind of like a rabid coy dog—a coy dog that devours joy and inspiration, turning it into a mulch of hyper-colored corporate cynicism.

Rap: In rap, you had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle scene. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice were both accused of stealing samples from Rick James and Queen. No one claimed the insipid lyrics as theirs though. Vanilla Ice will be remembered as the Pat Boone of hip-hop. Except you do have Vanilla Ice on your iPod.

Rock: Hair metal reached its most absurd zenith in 1990. The year before, we had two “classics,” which came in the form of Aerosmith’s Pump and Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood—two Rockin’ Rehab Records (much of the acclaim for the two albums came from a “clean and sober” Aerosmith and Crue. Seriously, every review had the words “clean and sober.”)

In 1990, there was Nelson and Slaughter. At the risk of alienating the female readers (read: my girlfriend), this was the pussiest year in metal history.

The Metal Health Report for 1990: Vaginitis.

Even then, we knew Nelson’s ode to Cindy Crawford (“I Can’t Live Without Your Love And Affection”) was really penned with Kip Winger in mind. The Nelson twins were like the Barbi Twins without the talent.

Slaughter, inexplicably, was critically acclaimed. When I bought Stick It To Ya at age 14, I listened to it over and over, incredulous that I couldn’t agree with RIP magazine’s glowing review of their Las Vegas softcore porn metal. Eventually I stuck to my guns and saw Mark Slaughter for the neutered, mall-metal eunuch he really was.

C +C Music Factory and Milli Vanilli deserve a special place in hell. Dante is taking notes in his grave right now. Though one of the morbidly obese Weather Girls sang “Gonna Make You Sweat,” she was not in the video. The always-shirtless (and talentless) Freedom Williams was ubiquitous. Karaoke hell was officially erected on the watery grave of the music factory’s career. According to New York State law, shooting someone who sings any of their songs at karaoke is legally sanctioned, much like shooting someone for arson is: both assholes are trying to burn down the house.

Milli Vanilli may have been the worst of it though. The notorious lip-synching duo were like the black version of the Nelson twins, but without the talent.

Conclusion: 1990 will be remembered as the year of shitty twins, TMNT rap and ugly colors. Forgive me if I confuse 1990 with a run-down daycare center.

Friday, December 07, 2007

I Would Kill Myself, But This Suicide Note Is Too Pretentious To Leave Behind

I want to kill myself in a tub of warm milk with chamomile tea bags all up in it. Jack Kerouac says that the meaning of life is living automatically. I fucking hate meetings. So yeah I wanna die. Death is such well wait I guess I don’t wanna die. No I do.

I am afraid of diabetes because it looks like too much of a hassle.

Needles, pills

Heroin is too much of a hassle.

Needles, pills.

I wanna die with a kitten on my chest Koko style

They don't make primates like that anymore

I wanna die in a massage parlor with Linda Rondstadts “Long Long Time” playing

I would kill myself but I’m afraid the FBI is reading this and getting the wrong idea.

I’m middle eastern u know.

So im not alive because I want to be alive but because I do not want to live up to the stereotype of being suicidal.

But I guess where there’s smoke there’s fire.

I am arab American – I wanna kill myself but I wanna do it with donuts and chamomile tea.

And a kitten made of insulin.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Zen Jokewriting Journal #4

The secret to comedy: write a whole bunch of unfunny things and say the funny things onstage.

I am itchy. Life is itchy. Life is uncomfortable. We try to scratch the itch but no matter how hard we scratch it the itch comes back stronger. As Daniel Kitson would say, “metaphor for life.” I would love to burn stuff onstage (cotton candy, hair pomade) but I wonder about smoke inhalation. Maybe if I get a gig at Central Park. Yeah. Itchy situation. Dave Matthews band I hate. But they get so much hate I feel bad for them. Sure they have frat boy fans but they want hip fans. Kinda like when u want to ask the head cheerleader to the dance but instead your pimply lab partner constantly talks about getting a hand job limo driven to your house with her likeness on the hood so you constantly know what’s in store. So frat boys are like ugly lab partners. Where else do they get the GHB?

Has a famous comedian ever had ear hair? Celebrity? Puppy?

Like ear canal hair?

But I wanna be Henrix's lab partner!

Is Hendrix hip? Cuz if he isn’t I will dress like Hendrix and stalk the streets of Park Slope and Williamsburg

And the wind cries Mo.

Mo cries about his wig being itchy.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Activity Of The Day: Do Bike Jump Over Evel Knievel’s Tombstone

I know what you’re thinking: cheap, tasteless irony. But do you honestly think Knievel would have it any other way? Here’s what I envision: one kid doing a simple bike jump over the headstone. Then another runt tries to top him and jump two stones. Before New Year’s, the whole graveyard will be jumping and shaking with energy and gaiety.

Two hundred years from today, passersby will walk past a cemetery with flaming hoops and motorcycles and ask for an explanation. The Cohen Brothers Narrator will tell the Evel Knievel story on cue and it will be the hottest graveyard ever.

At my funeral, I want drink specials and burlesque dancers.