Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Satanic Hipster Take on Israeli-Lebanese Conflict

Islamic take on the violence: check

Judeo-Christian perspective: check

Satanic perspective: negative.

(courtesy of Matt Leclair)

There you have it. Satanists: not only black-hearted minions of Hades, but killjoys. These guys are more interested in seeing the overrated band The Rapture than the real thing. Sorry that there are no sorority chicks licking each other or gay New York musicals to keep these horny bastards happy. Sure, watch Nelly Furtado videos and smoke chronic: atta devil! Don't rattle your sabers for a full-fledged holy war.

What do you soul-sucking heathens care about nowadays? Norwegian death metal? Scooters and indie films?

Just as I suspected: satanists are nothing more than a bunch of apathetic hipster vampires who care more about getting their kicks than kicking ass. While the rest of us are hard at work firing missles and blowing ourselves up, these fey beelzesnobs revel in sloth and vanity.

Well enough's enough. Or, as you slovenly ironic metalheads would have it, Enuff Z'nuff. As of tomorrow, us Christians, Jews and Muslims will sit back, smoke out of hookas and forget about setting up for the showdown at the Temple Mount. Seriously, why should we fight each other if we aren't even going to get to fight you? It's like playing an RPG without a final boss: it's teh lamest.

Just remember, if and when you do want to move to the Holy Land, we're going to be hip to your Satanic hipster gentrification scheme. And our religous street gangs will run your satanic slacker asses into the sea for good.

A hell on earth
with no satanists: poetic justice strikes again!

2 comments:

Cibbuano said...

shit, I could go for some hookah-smoking...

doesn't hookah look like 'hooker' with a New York accent?

Mo! said...

Hey, I'm a New Yorker.

Hookahs are sacred monotheistic talismans. I would not mock their name. All the prophets smoked out of hookahs (except Moses, he was old school; he would just burn a bushel of pot and stand around it).

OK, I'm kidding. Thanks for the comment cibby. See u on stereogum.